awakening.html

Caption

 

I can”t leave a disclaimer, as many elements of this story did actually happened to me, though the story line has been radically altered and embellished to make it more interesting.

Feel free to leave comments if you ail

 

 

Awakening

 

I was then years old when I became sexually awakened.

It could take years, even decades for a person to become aware of their true sexual nature and even longer to come to terms with that realization. But in the fall of 1976, while staying at my uncle Randy”s apartment for the weekend, it only took me two hours.

Uncle Randy was the coolest and nicest guy in the world. I spent at lease 3 weekends a year with him while my mother and her asshole boyfriend, William, went on Catholic Cursillo retreats. I don”t know why they had to go on any retreats–they were already over the top holy rollers as it was. All I knew was that it was nice to get away from my `pious” household anytime I could.

I remember on a previous visit when Randy had laughed at how devout my mother and William were. At first I felt a little angry and protective over my mom”s beliefs, but uncle Randy explained how there were many religious beliefs which discriminated against certain kinds of people. He had said `especially people who were Gay”, which I didn”t get to know what that meant till later.

The more time I spent with Randy, the less I took my own religion seriously. It didn”t matter if I went to Catholic school, I just hated the rules and sins as well as going to church every Sunday.

Randy loved playing Risk and Monopoly with me and during my last stay with him he had also introduced me to an electronic game box that he had recently bought called Magnavox. It was a game that you actually played through the TV set. The best game in the box was called Pong and it was really cool.

Something else had happened on that weekend 4 months earlier, which had caused an image to be permanently seared into my young brain.

I had been on Randy”s bed reading a comic book, when I suddenly had the urge to pee real bad. Like so many kids often do, I had held it and held it till I couldn”t hold it anymore.

I had jumped out of the bed and barged into the bathroom to find my uncle completely naked, having just stepped out of the shower.

My eyes had immediately dropped down to his huge penis hanging between his legs (at least it was A LOT bigger and thicker than mine was at the time).

I had never seen a man”s penis before and the size of my uncles was almost frightening but at the same it looked really cool. It had some veins along the side and a little hair at its base, and though his balls were really big, they had almost no hair on them at all. It was different in that way from other men”s privates, which I often snuck peaks at in public bathrooms.

It wasn”t until much later that I discovered that Randy liked to trim and shave around his crotch.

My mother had always told me that it was a sin to look at other boys privates, and even though I really like to sneak peeks at boys peeing in the school bathroom, I always turned away in shame from what mom had instilled in me.

But I felt that this was different. After all, this was her big brother and he was a man, not a boy.

I remember looking up at him and seeing him smiling at me.

I was a bit embarrassed.

“You ok buddy?” He had said matter-of-factly while taking a towel from the rack next to him.

His tone had put me at ease as he didn”t seem upset that I had walked in on him.

“I just…I had to use the bathroom. Sorry I didn”t knock.”

“No problem, champ. Go ahead and take a leak. We”re both boys after all.”

I took my penis out to pee but was rock hard and I couldn”t do it.

“Can”t pee when it”s hard, bud. I”ll be done in a minute and maybe by then you”ll be soft again.”

I put my hard penis in my PJs and went to leave but as my eyes dropped down again to his big penis, I found that I had frozen in place. I seemed unable to move by the site of the amazing thing a few feet away from my eyes.

“Something else, buddy?”

I looked up at him and he had a funny smile on his face.

All I could say in a broken voice was:

“Yours, umm…” I swallowed the glob of saliva caught in my throat, “it”s so big!”

He giggled and then moved his hips slightly from side to side causing his penis to swing back and forth.

“Of course it is, Rick. I”m a man. Yours will be this big when you get older.”

In utter disbelief my eyes had shot up to his.

“What? Really?” I had smiled with joy before looking back down at it.

“That”s awesome!”

He giggled at my glee and I looked up smiling.

“You like it, huh?” He asked.

Again I looked down at his penis which actually starting to grow before my eyes.

I nodded in silence, still staring at it.

I knew that it was a sin to say I liked it, but the bigger it got the more I realized that I couldn”t help it. Looking at the boys in the school bathroom was just things boys did, I guessed. But this time, unlike at school, I felt no shame–after all. This was my own uncle, so it couldn”t be that bad, right?

“Ok, well, I”ll be out in a minute and the bathroom is yours, ok buddy?”

I looked up at him and nodded again.

“Oh…yeah, sorry again for not knocking.”

“Totally fine, chief.” And then he had started drying his hair with the towel, which covered his face.

I remember looking down one last time before leaving. His penis was getting harder and bigger by the second and I didn”t want to leave the bathroom.

It was truly amazing to watch it grow thicker and longer. And what my uncle said echoed in my mind…I couldn”t believe that some day when I was older mine would be as big and nice looking as his.

As I left the bathroom, I looked down and realized that my own penis was still very hard and tenting up şişli travesti my PJs. Of course, I was still too naive to understand why that was even happening, and just as naive at the cause of my uncle”s getting as big as it had gotten.

My naivety was based completely on what my mom had said when I was six years old as she gave me a bath. While she had washed my private parts, making sure that my penis was very, very clean, it had become really hard very fast, as the way she went up and down on it had really felt great. When I asked why it was getting hard, she had told me that it happened to boys all the time and that there was no real reason for it. That had been the first time she said that I should never touch it myself and that only mommy could touch it during the bath.

All I knew was that it felt really, really good when she took so long to clean it. She seemed to pay much more attention cleaning my penis than any other part of my body.

I guess it”s because it was a `dirty and sinful” part of he body. That was also when she said something that truly had terrorized my young mind. She had said that if I played with my private parts, that God might punish me by making it hurt really bad and that it might even fall off.

I never even attempted to touch myself after that day.

That time in my uncle”s bathroom had been four months ago, and though I tried my best to avoid thinking about it, I really couldn”t. His beautiful large penis would pop into me head at the craziest times, and every time it did, my little penis would become rock hard just like it had on that night.

We were now sitting on his couch close together and playing pong and having a really fun time, when the phone rang.

My uncle got off the couch and walked into the kitchen. I heard him talking to what I thought must be a friend, since his girlfriend Linda had already called him an hour earlier. A few minutes later he came in and stood over me.

“Hey buddy, my friends invited me to go play poker upstairs for a while. Is it ok if I leave you watching a movie for a couple of hours? I”ll set the Betamax with the tape playing so you won”t have to do anything.”

I was ten years old, always scared of the dark and had a very active imagination. I already knew I was going to be scared out of my skull, but I couldn”t let my uncle know that. Even though he was really a nice guy, Uncle Randy was one of those big muscular guys who I doubt had ever been afraid of anything.

I didn”t want to disappoint him.

“Ok,” was all that squeaked out of my pre-teen larynx.

He must have detected my trepidation.

“It”s a really safe building, Rick, and I have two locks on the door. Plus, you could leave all the lights on in the apartment.”

He held up a video tape.

“I rented that cartoon movie, Robin Hood, in preparation for the weekend. Did you see it yet?”

I shook my head and looked at the floor before thinking of something.

“What if…what if I need to call you for some reason?”

He smiled.

“I”ll leave my friend”s phone number on the wall right next to the phone, but I”ll be right upstairs, buddy. Everything will be ok.”

I nodded, trying not to look terrified.

“Rick, if you get bored of the movie, or if it finishes before I come back, I have some old comic books in the bottom left draw of my dresser. I haven”t looked at them in a long time, but I know there are a several Spiderman comics in there.”

“I love Spiderman!” I said enthusiastically.

“Yeah, I know, buddy. I could tell by your PJs.”

I looked down a little embarrassed and then looked back as we both started giggling.

My fear had dropped a notch from the laughter. And since reading comics was one of the things that helped me go to sleep at home when ever I was a scared, I thought that I was probably going to be fine.

He pressed play on the movie and then rubbed my head lovingly before leaving the apartment.

I was shocked at how fast and strong my fear tumbled back on-top of me once he”d left.

I immediately tried to get into the movie as best I could, and even though I felt that it was more of a kiddie film, I soon began to enjoy it enough for it to calm me down.

But it wasn”t long before the film started to bore me and since my fear was pretty much gone, I decided to go check out the comics in my uncle”s drawer.

I went into my uncle”s bedroom, which is where I slept whenever I stayed with him while he would sleep on the couch.

I opened the dresser drawer and had to move some car magazines to the side before I found a Spiderman comic. I grabbed it and took it into the living room and sat on the couch.

My uncle had not showed me how to pause the Betamax, but I did know how to lower the volume on the TV remote. So the cartoon was now playing silently as I began enjoying the comic book.

It was the Spider-Man comic where Morbius, the living Vampire, was first introduce, and though I had already read the comic last year, I had no problem reading it again–there was something about Vampires that I found really exciting.

Vampires were the only monster that I did not fear when I was in my bedroom at night before going to sleep. It was probably because of the many vivid fantasies I had where a cool looking vampire would freeze me with his dark, hypnotic eyes before grabbing my helpless little body and pressing his open mouth onto my neck and sucking me for a long time.

Again, I was still too naive to understand why those fantasies always made my little penis so hard, but that naivety was soon going die a delicious death.

When I finished the first Spiderman comic, I decided that I wanted to read another one. I went back into the bedroom and opened the dresser drawer again.

A Conan comic was next in the pile, so I picked it up expecting to find Spiderman underneath, but that wasn”t what I found.

There before my eyes was a comic book beylikdüzü travesti so unexpected and so shocking that my jaw dropped open and my heart began pounding.

On the cover was a completely naked black man with a huge erection. The man looked scruffy and dirty. He was very thin and had long matted hair with a 12 o”clock shadow on his face. He was facing a naked boy who was on his knees. The man was smiling down at the boy and one of his big hands was resting on the boys head while the other was on his own thigh. The boy was staring wide eyed at the man”s erection, which was only inches away from his face. The boy”s right hand was holding the man”s balls, while his left hand was around his own erection.

The title of the comic was “Fun with Boys.”

I quickly dropped the Conan comic on the floor, slammed the drawer shut and ran out of the bedroom.

I was shocked, afraid and very confused.

My mind began to race in so many directions that by the time I reached the couch my mouth had gone completely dry and I was trembling. I was also feeling a tingling in my belly that I had only felt a few times before.

I nervously stood up to get a glass of water in the kitchen and I realized that my penis was tenting up my in PJs.

As I turned the faucet on and poured water into a glass I could see my hand shaking a little bit.

The obvious question that crossed my mind was this: why did my big, strong uncle have such a comic book?

And then a second thought occurred to me: what would my very religious mother think if she saw that comic book?

My mother had often spoke horribly about those ungodly `queers” who were always doing the devils work–How they liked to trick boys into their cars so they could play with the boys private parts. She had once warned me to keep an eye out for them.

I didn”t know if what she said was even true or not, but I doubted it for some reason. What I did know was that her warning hadn”t scared me. And for some reason, they made my penis hard instead. Maybe it was that feeling I got with my vampire fantasies–being helpless in the arms of someone older and stronger than me.

I sat down on the couch and took a long gulp from the glass of water.

That image in my uncles drawer had triggered all these thoughts and feelings that were now circling my head in runaway orbits of confusion.

My uncles big penis suddenly popped into my thoughts and I immediately wondered why it was that I had thought his penis looked so nice back then.

Why did I seem to like it?

Why did I continuously look at other boy”s privates in the bathroom?

These feelings were troubling to my prepubescent brain. A brain that had yet to be exposed to anything regarding sex. I had heard about dirty magazines but I never got to see one. So the very 1st exposure I ever had of pictures of naked people was on the cover of that comic book only a moment before–and it was a drawing of a boy touching a man”s privates.

I looked down at the tent in my Spider-Man PJs which was starting to ache.

I wanted to touch it…I wanted to touch it real bad.

I had tried my best to listen to my mother when it came to touching myself, even though my penis was hard on so many occasions. But there were times that I would cheat, pressing my erection into my bed or against the wall if I was standing up. Yet at that moment, sitting on the couch with all these feelings and thoughts racing through my mind, it”s all I wanted to do.

I took a deep breath then reached down and rubbed the head.

It felt absolutely amazing so this time I squeezed the head while rubbing it.

I yelped with pleasure. These new sensations were radiating all over my groin like bolts of electricity and I couldn”t believe that I had never done this before. My mother had been the only person to case these sensations in my penis.

Why was it considered a sin?

How could something that felt so good be so wrong?

I wanted to feel even more, even though it was supposedly forbidden.

I tried to stop myself as best I could–hearing my mother”s words bouncing round in my head–but like a broken renegade robot, I found myself unbuttoning my PJs a few seconds later.

I pulled my little erection out and just stared it for a long moment.

I always liked looking my penis–posing in front of the mirror whenever it got hard like it was now. I was fascinated by the hard curve as it pointed toward the ceiling. And since it was mine and not some boy”s in the school bathroom, I never felt shame in loving the way it looked, just like I felt no shame in loving the way my uncle”s looked.

I reached down, grabbing and squeezed it lightly. The feeling was so intense and amazing, that I moaned in pleasure for the first time in my young life.

I closed my eyes and dropped my head back on the couch and kept squeezing and releasing my erection.

I couldn”t believe I had never felt this before…never touched myself like this, even though there were plenty of times that I wanted to.

Suddenly, the image on the comic book popped into my mind and the tingling in my belly became stronger.

And then it came–A sudden jolt of shame which passed through my body in a flash, causing my hand to drop away in profound guilt.

So many thoughts kept racing through my young mind…

Why was this so bad?

Why was my penis so hard and my belly feeling so nicely even though that image was so naughty and wrong?

Why did my uncle even have that comic in his drawer?

Was he one of those queers that my mother had warned me about?

Did he like touching little boys private parts? Or maybe…maybe he liked it when little boys touched his.

That last thought immediately brought back the sight of my uncle”s big penis in the bathroom and that made the tingling in my belly spread all over by body as a single thought escaped my subconscious mind…

istanbul travesti

`I would love to touch my uncle”s penis.”

The resulting intense feeling of shame paralyzed me. Liking my uncle”s penis might not be a sin, but touching it sure had to be.

All these forbidden thoughts and feelings were completely overwhelming to me and there was no where to run or hide from them–all of this was happening in my own mind; in my own imagination, and I knew that my mom and her ass of a boyfriend would tell me that feeling pleasure from these thoughts was against the laws of God.

But it wasn”t my fault!

It wasn”t like I was thinking of these things on purpose. I wasn”t purposely making my penis hard or my belly feel so very nice.

But I was touching myself on purpose…

I quickly tucked my erection back into my PJs and buttoned it up.

I grabbed the TV remote and turned up the volume on the Robin Hood cartoon. I was hoping that it would help bring my mind young mind to more innocent thoughts.

The cartoon was at least half way through, if not almost over, but I was going to focus on it as best I could.

I had barely watched any of it, actually, having chosen the Comic book instead, but that didn”t matter since I certainly wasn”t going to that drawer to look for another Spider-Man Comic.

Thankfully, it didn”t take long for the movie to start distracting me from the emotional whirlwind that had swept through my young adolescent mind.

My erection had softened to almost normal size and the feeling in my belly was almost gone.

Unfortunately, it wasn”t long before the film ended and the closing credits began to roll.

I had no idea how to switch from the Betamax back to live TV and within a minute the image cut out and was quickly replaced by white static.

I nervously looked up at the clock on the wall.

My uncle had said the poker game would take 2 hours or so, and an hour and forty minutes had passed.

What was I gonna do for twenty minutes?

It only took a few seconds for the comic image to invade my thoughts again. It”s as if a demon was hovering above me just out of sight, tempting me to give in; to go back into the bedroom and look at that cover again. It wasn”t long before my erection was back and almost hurting from the stiffness. The tingling in my belly was back as well and so was the feeling of helplessness–still having no place to run and hide from these feelings.

I tried to think of something else, something entirely different, but instead, the memory of my uncle in the bathroom again popped into my head.

And then I realized something about that tingling feeling in my belly. It always happened when when I looked at someone else”s penis. It also happened when I fantasied about Vampires sucking my neck and it happened that time when my mother warned me about men who wanted to touch my privates.

It was the same feeling I was having at this moment after thinking about the comic in the drawer.

It was at that very moment that I realized that the feeling in my belly happened when I was excitement. And people only became excited about something that they liked.

Somehow these thoughts; these images and memories; the vampire fantasies…they all excited me–a lot. I had been taught that thoughts like these were all so wrong and naughty and even forbidden, but I also now realized something else. That all this time, all these thoughts and desires were about stuff that I really liked.

My young brain was only now starting to connect together all the times I had gotten an erection. My uncles penis; the vampire fantasies; when ever I looked at my naked body in the mirror; when I became hard almost instantly while looking at other penis” in the public and school bathrooms.

It now became obvious to me that I got most of the times I got erection, it was also when I was excited about something. It could only mean that the real reason why I liked these thoughts and feelings was because my body enjoyed them, whether they were forbidden or not.

I couldn”t help it.

A strong sensation of defiance swelled up in my mind. I found myself getting mad about all the things my mom had told me were supposedly bad and sinful and forbidden.

How could my mother lie to me about my penis falling off if I played with my self?

I looked down at my erection. It didn”t hurt and it hadn”t fallen off.

It looked just fine to me.

It looked beautiful, actually.

Seeing my uncle”s big penis in the bathroom and seeing the naked boy touching the man on the comic book excited me and made me feel really good.

I suddenly hated mother”s stupid religion and all the rules and sins that came with it, because I was starting to believe that it was all a big lie.

I reached down and grabbed my erection, squeezing it while purposely thinking of the comic book.

When the angry face of my mom popped into my head, I replace it with the hardening penis of my uncle.

I was suddenly overcome with a pure ravenous desire to see that image again and what ever else I might find in that comic.

Maybe it was sinful; maybe it was forbidden, maybe I was going to hell…I didn”t want to think about it. As a matter of fact, my feelings about what I now knew were things I really enjoyed, had changed to the point that the naughtiness and unholiness only made me want to look at it even more.

The guilt was now completely gone, replaced with raw defiance against what I had been taught to be evil; replaced by a new exciting desire to explore it.

If a demon was guiding me toward this sinful temptation, I didn”t care anymore. I was giving in and letting him take control. The thought of some invisible demon, take control of my young mind and tempting me to explore the sin, felt really exciting. I couldn”t see the demon if he existed, but I suddenly pictured him as a big naked man with red with horns and a large and powerful erection.

I trembled with the strange desire of being a slave to these temptations and just like that the strings of my invisible puppet master lifted my body off the couch and guided me into my uncles bedroom.

 

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