“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Luca’s voice was almost drowned out by the carnival music, but he heard it. Sitting against the base of the tree, he quickly brought his knees together in an effort to hide his erection. After the day he’d had, that ride had been nothing short of torture. He’d barely been able to keep his hips clear of the bone-shaking reverberations of the machine. If he’d been much bigger, he’d have definitely embarrassed himself. Earlier in the day, they’d have traded stories about it, but now…

Thomas couldn’t let this get in between them again. He would control himself, and they would go back to normal, and everything would be fine. They’d be friends again. Just friends.

“And I’m sorry I pushed you too far,” Luca sat down beside him, a bit further away than he would have before, but still beside him. “I got carried away -“

“- I think we should stop,” Thomas said at the same time. He felt the weight of Luca’s gaze on him, but he couldn’t look at him while he said this. “You’re my best friend,” his heart squeezed in his chest as he said it. But he continued. “I don’t want to lose that because we got horny and stupid.”

He heard Luca look away, and another round of joyous screams sounded over the music of that hellish ride.

“So you don’t want anything to change,” Luca stated it, rather than asked it. Thomas thought back to yesterday, when they had been swimming and attempting to body surf. It seemed idyllic now. Of course, that was before he’d known that Luca had been trying to get off half the time they were swimming. His cock gave a throb at the memory, and he hated himself for it. He just wanted to it to go back to the way it was before. Before he knew anything about it. He would control this. He had to, or he’d lose it all.

“I want to be friends again,” he answered finally. “I just want to go back to the way it was before.”

“Right,” Luca replied shortly, and Thomas could hear him shifting. “I don’t think I can forget what happened,” he said more quietly, and Thomas strained to hear him over the low bass of the carnival. “But I don’t want to lose you – your friendship. I still want to be friends with you. I don’t think I’d even know how not to be friends with you.” He seemed to stutter over it, but as soon as Thomas heard the words, the tension he hadn’t known he’d been holding, fled from his body. He was able to take a full breath again, and so he did, and laughed a bit in relief. Thomas finally turned to Luca with a hesitant smile.

“Friends then?” he asked hopefully.

Luca looked at him his expression hidden by a ridiculous curtain of messy brown curls. His fingers itched to push them back behind his friend’s ears, but instead he held a hand out to shake on. He saw the stretch of a smile, and the glint of wet eyes from beneath the mop of hair, and his handshake was taken.

“Friends,” Luca confirmed. They sat in companionable silence for a minute before Luca chimed in again. “I guess this means that we wont be doing any midnight laundry then.”

Thomas’ dick arced against his trousers as his mind immediately supplied him with the image of Luca naked and erect, stalking towards him on long, powerful legs. God he wanted to see that again. He wanted it so badly he could taste it. But he couldn’t do it. Friends didn’t do that, and he would not lose Luca over the something as stupid as an orgasm.

“No midnight laundry,” he agreed, even as every atom below his waist cried out in despair.

“I guess I was right then. No one does laundry after midnight. Not even us.”

Thomas was sure it was a joke, but he couldn’t bring himself to laugh. “Can we not talk about that?” he sat as still as he could. If he shifted now, Luca would definitely know he was hard. He wanted to go back to before they knew things like that about each other. If only he could forget the entire day, everything would be so much easier. He’d forget the salt shining on Luca’s taut body. He’d forget tasting the curve of his ear lobe, and the look of concentration on his face as he tried to hold back his desire, so he could match Thomas’ pace. He’d forget everything, and then everything could go back to normal. It would be so much easier. So why did it make him feel so sad?

“Right,” Luca nodded, his heart heavy as Thomas added yet another condition to their friendship. “It’ll be like it never even happened then,” he kept the bitterness from his voice as best as he could. Thomas didn’t even think twice.

“That would be best, I think,” he hammered the final nail in, and suddenly Luca felt bereft. He had his friendship back, or at least he would in time, but suddenly, every single possibility he hadn’t allowed himself to consider was dead in the dust. He hadn’t even realised he was hoping, until his hope was crushed. That was it then. They were friends. Anything that didn’t fit into that box had to be packed away now. Luca’s mouth was stretched in a scarecrow smile.

At least the conversation that cracked his facade had dikmen escort bayan wilted his erection at the same time. It was hard to maintain a stiffie when you were suffocating on the inside. Luca sat in silence for a moment more before he pushed himself up off the ground.

“I’m going to get some chips,” he said suddenly. He didn’t really want any, but he needed something to do. Thomas looked up at him, and he hoped he didn’t look like he was trying not to cry, because he certainly felt like it. His friend nodded from his position against the tree, his thighs bent and pressed together as if Luca wouldn’t know what he was hiding there. It seemed like they both still needed some time alone, but this time for very different reasons.

“Think I’ll head to the toilets,” Thomas said casually. Luca nodded once, and raised his hand in a stationary wave.

“Meet you at the car in half an hour then, if I don’t find you earlier,” he said, and turned before his voice could crack, or something equally embarrassing could happen. He left before Thomas could respond. He didn’t have it in him to listen to anything more right now. They’d get back to normal eventually. Or at least, he’d get so used to swallowing his emotions that it wouldn’t hurt as much any more. At least he’d still have his friend at the end of it. But he couldn’t help thinking that maybe, just maybe they could have been more.

Thomas didn’t go into the toilet block, but found the outside tap, and stuck his head under it. The cold water was less of a shock than it should have been. Maybe his body was getting used to it. But it still diverted his attention enough to do the trick. He’d made his decision. Lust had almost torn him and Luca apart, so he wouldn’t give it the time of day. No more sneaking around, trying to find a place to get off. Any erection he got from now until the end of this holiday would be stoically ignored, or treated with cold water. No matter how bad it got, no matter how desperately he thought he needed it, it was not worth his friendship.

It was going to be awkward for a while. He’d known from the moment Luca had announced that he was going to get chips. No. Before that. Long before that. But that had been the final tell. He should have said ‘you want to go get some chips?’ But he had just announced it, like a farewell. Like an excuse to leave. And Thomas had felt…relieved.

He wasn’t ready to jump right back in. He needed some time to repack all those things he’d let out of the cage today. Half an hour wasn’t much, but it might be enough to throw some dirt over them, push them down enough that he could function normally around his best friend again. He’d need to be careful though. There were some things he could never un-see. It was going to be hard seeing Luca in swimming shorts and not remembering what he looked like without them. It was going to be especially difficult seeing Luca chew on his lips, as was his habit, while he tried his best to banish the taste of them from his memory. But it had to be done.

Thomas squeezed the water from his hair, and ignored the raised eyebrows he got. It wasn’t a particularly hot day, so not many people were going around deliberately soaking their heads. He didn’t care. So long as they never guessed the real reason, he didn’t mind what they thought. The smell of fried food, candy floss and horses wafted through the air as he wandered back into the crowd. He had no intention of going on any more rides, or wasting any more money. All the games were rigged. Everyone knew that. But he got himself a toffee apple, for nostalgia, and watched the people go by as he tried to remember how you were supposed to eat it.

20 minutes left. He had 20 minutes to remember how to be himself. So far, it wasn’t working. People walked past him in a steady stream, and every single one of them reminded him of Lucky. This one had his long legs. That one had curly hair. The one next to them was wearing a Marvel t-shirt. The one eating ice cream was laughing with their eyes. The girl selling cotton candy had the same olive skin. It looked soft. Luca’s was soft. He could still remember how it felt – Luca’s skin beneath his fingers as he threaded them through the silky curls at the nape of his neck. His hand had fit there perfectly. Like it was meant to be there.

Thomas curled his hand at the memory, and gnawed at the toffee apple, covering it in slobber. Really. There was no good way to eat this. He was starting to remember why it had been so long since he’d had one. Now, if only regaining one memory would push another out. He really needed to forget the way Luca’s eyes had crinkled at the corners right before he’d pulled him in for a kiss. They looked the same when he smiled. It really wasn’t going to work if every time his friend smiled he remembered that.

15 minutes. He really needed to get his shit together. And set it on fire. And bury the ashes. The fond feelings were fine. They were friends. At least, he hoped elvankent escort bayan they still were. It was the other feelings he needed to eliminate. They couldn’t come with him back to camp. He could not lust after his friend and still call him a friend. He couldn’t go to sleep next to his friend if all he wanted to do was climb in next to him and hold him closer than his own skin. He couldn’t go back to school for their last term and still be thinking of pushing up against every hard surface that came into view.

Of course, he’d have had a chance to see to his ‘little problem’ by then. There was every possibility that might fix everything. After all, it was just lust. They’d practically agreed on that. Sure, Luca had said on the beach that he’d been glad it had been him and not someone else. But he’d been glad of that too. Or at least, he’d been glad, up until now. Who knows? Maybe it wouldn’t have been so hard to let go of, if it had been someone else. He could have just gone along with it and cut ties afterwards. Or ignored the whole thing. But when Luca had kissed him back, he couldn’t push him away. They were too close for indifference, and just close enough for curiosity. He’d wanted to know what Luca’s bottom lip felt like between his teeth. He’d wanted to know what his skin felt like underneath his finger tips.

He couldn’t keep doing it. He wasn’t gay. He’d never even been interested in men before. It wasn’t who he was. It wasn’t who he wanted to be. But he couldn’t imagine his life without Luca. And he didn’t want to.

Thomas wiped toffee and apple juice off his skin. What a ridiculous carnival snack. He should have gotten chips. Luca should have invited him. With 5 minutes to spare, he threw the rest of his toffee apple in the bin and headed to the car park. With any luck, by the time he made it to the car, he’d have cleaned himself of the whole sorry mess.

The car ride home was a special torture. Luca smiled thinly as the wind flattened his curls to his face in the back seat. Thomas, on the other side, was studiously looking out the window, craning his neck to look up at the dark clouds gathering. The small, purple bruise peeked out from the neck of his shirt as he leaned over. Luca tried not to look at it. He hadn’t tried to ‘find him earlier’ either, despite his promises. Neither had he bought any chips. After their chat, he’d simply washed his face, eaten a disappointing bag of doughnut holes and sat on the benches around the sports field, watching the day get colder and greyer.

He’d managed to keep all his tears on the inside. No mean feat. His head felt full of them. They sloshed around and kept threatening to leak out the sides at the slightest provocation. He had no idea if he was being obvious or not, but if he was, Thomas certainly wasn’t going to mention it. In fact, the only thing he’d said when they’d finally met back up at the car was something about it looking like rain.

He’d been right too. Luca watched the first spots of water hit the windshield as they drove along the beach-front road. It was raining. Great. Could this day get any more stereotypically horrible? Lucky Nim was talking enough for all three of them, because he had nothing to say. By the glances he was getting from his mum in the rear vision mirror, she had something to say to him. But he couldn’t go into it now. Whatever talk she wanted to have would have to wait. He couldn’t tell her anything when he hadn’t figured it out himself. And the part he had figured out, he didn’t want to tell her.

‘Oh, hey Mum. Don’t be worried, but I want fuck Thomas, or maybe have him fuck me. But he’s gone and made me hot and bothered – like insanely, agonisingly horny – and then decided he wants to forget it ever happened, so we have to be just friends again. But I still want to fuck him, like super badly. So that’s my life right now. How was the cotton candy?’

Honestly, that talk would probably go down a lot better than he was allowing, but he really, really didn’t want to talk sex with his mum. Not with either of them. Especially not gay sex.

Luca swallowed as he studied the lowering clouds. He’d said it. Gay sex. He wanted to have gay sex with his friend. But that meant he was gay, right? Luca frowned at the rain bands washing across the window. That couldn’t be right. He’d never gotten off to gay porn before. He’d had a look, because, you know, he had to make sure. But nothing in there had really inspired him. Not nearly as much as soft thighs and overflowing handfuls of boob. And a round ass, and suggestive eyebrows and dimples that pulled whenever they smirked. And dark hair. Fuck.

Luca tried crossing one leg over the other but the seat in front wouldn’t allow it. He settled on propping one leg on the raised centre part of the floor. It would have to do. He puffed out a breath and fogged up the window as the sea slid back into view. Nearly back at camp.

The rain beat like a snare on the windscreen by the time emek escort bayan they pulled into camp. Water poured off the canvas of the annex in rivers and made pools near the centre where the roof dipped. It was going to be a fun night.

“So much for the washing,” his mum said wistfully. “You want to stay in here until it slackens off a bit, or make a mad dash for it?” she asked them all, a twinkle in her eyes. Luca knew which one she would prefer.

“I need to pee,” Nim piped up, still snooping through her show bag. The twinkle in his mum’s eye intensified.

“I guess we’ll just have to make a run for it then,” she teased. “We’ll meet you back at the caravan then boys, unless you’re coming too?”

“Sounds good, Mum,” Luca said quickly. Maybe the shock of the rain would help calm him down. Again.

“Yeah,” Thomas added. “We’ll meet you in the caravan, Mrs M.”

His mum and Nim counted to three before making a dash out of the car into the wash of rain, the pair of them squealing in delight as they ran towards the toilet block. Thomas sat beside him, the heavy silence muffled by the roar of the rain on the car roof.

“Are we good?” Thomas’ voice sounded thin against the downpour. Luca looked around and caught his gaze as the windows slowly fogged up. He looked away quickly before anything could creep into his expression.

“Yeah, yeah. We’re super,” he replied, and internally winced. That had sounded a lot more bitter than he’d wanted. His unsatisfied arousal was lighting a fire under the anger in his chest, and it would not be doused. He felt rather than saw Thomas’ appraisal of him. In the silence, he felt like a sleeping bear, just waiting for someone to poke him so he’d have an excuse to dig in the claws. Just a word from Thomas would do it. Any word, and the frustration would boil over and burn whatever it touched.

He couldn’t do that to his friend. If he answered in anger now, then he felt like it might be over for good. And so he pushed it down as much as he could, his need still hot and angry against his thigh. To his shame, he felt his throat tighten with the need to cry again. He pushed that down too. Thomas didn’t need to see that either. But he could feel the emotions vying for space under his skin. He needed to get out of there.

“I… I might head over to the toilets after all,” he opened the door as he spoke, hoping the noise would cover the wobble in his voice. His throat stung with each word. He wanted to say ‘see you back at camp’, but he didn’t trust himself to get through it without choking. Instead, he just shut the door, and walked out into the rain.

Thomas watched Luca walk out into the rain. Things were not ‘super’. He’d gathered that when Luca had used the word ‘super’. He never said super.

But they’d get back to normal. He was sure of it. So long as he could put everything behind him. So long as he was consistent. So long as he could forget the way Luca’s lip had felt between his teeth, or the tiny strangled noises he’d made as they’d ground their hips together. So long as he could forget that, they’d be fine. Eventually.

He could not go back to school remembering those things. That was not who he was. So he had one week left to pack it all away and bring them back to familiar ground. He was sure he could do it. All he had to do was forget it ever happened, ignore every urge to satisfy his touch-starved appendage, and never let Luca know that he was thinking anything a best friend wouldn’t think. He just needed to control himself, and everything would be ok.

Thomas nodded to himself. It was just hormones. He could ignore it. He would ignore it. For the sake of Luca, he would manage it. Thomas looked out the window at the waterlogged camp site before opening the door. At least the cold snap would take the edge off for a while. His lips made a straight line, and with a new determination, he made a sprint for the camp.

Luca ran past the toilets to the beach. He was soaked to the skin, and the rain was still coming down in sheets, but he didn’t care. It meant the beach would be empty, and more than anything, he needed to be alone. He kept his face even as he dashed down the dunes, sand sticking to his legs, but as soon as he reached open sand, he broke.

His face crumpled as his throat constricted. A wail tore through his body as he bent double, his hands wrapped around his middle. Now he was out in the open, rain slammed into him from the side, sticking his clothes tight to his body. There was no hiding behind his clothes now. His erection was a banner for his arousal, a flag waving in the wind to anyone who cared to see. But there was no one. Even if there was, he was too angry, too sad, too frustrated to care. Ironic really. He’d been trying to be alone for so long it was driving him mad. But now he was too mad to take advantage of it. He’d been so close to letting go on the carnival ride that even his teeth had ached for it. Even now, as his body shrank against the cold, his cock was a singular point of heat against his stomach. But he couldn’t even bring himself to think about touching it. He wanted to. He craved it. His dick was straining for it. But it was giving in to that feeling that had got him to where he was now. The tears blended with the rain as his chest heaved.